I have suspected that I am half spiritual and I must admit it may be true. I used to think that it made me hypocritical. I have changed my mind. It’s just part of the process.  I’ve used it to suit my needs but I have come to realize there is nothing wrong with getting it “wrong.”

I definitely know the difference between being and doing. Mostly, I was just doing. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments when I felt a peacefulness, a stillness, a knowingness and the moment was perfect, those moments where time didn’t exist. My kids’ Bar Mitzvahs  (yes I admit it, best days of my life) or a perfect tennis shot or running without effort or seeing a long lost relative or feeling deep love for a spouse or a child. I have seen the grandeur of Grand Canyon and sat at the peak of Zermatt, smelled the vineyards of Tuscany. Those moments gave me pleasure and awe, but they never gave me peace. Peace, I realized, was being in the moment. Coaching and changing a child’s life. That’s peace. Calling a play because there was no other moment but now, skiing a challenging mountain because I’m afraid. Just me and the moment, no outside noise, no pain, because there is none possible in the moment.

These days I’m searching now for the impossible, no aggravation, no small stuff, but I’m human and I am not the Dalai Lama. And even he must get pissed sometimes.

I have to get over this labeling. “I’m spiritual” … It does me no good. I know the difference between when I’m present “without thought” and when I’m in the zone. I’m going to give myself some room to figure it out.

I’ve been in the zone before. I guess you can call that being in a spiritual place but I am also checking my cell phone for emails and texts. I am looking for something outside to make me feel safer and that’s okay. I’m just being half spiritual and it’s great to be in that trusting place. The more I realize what drives my spirit the more peace and love I’ll let into my life.