Nathan's Blog

My Journey

Back and Forth

If I were Superman or James Bond I’d probably be writing something different, about being invincible, but then again maybe I should realize only in fiction can you be indestructible. Truth be told I have had a tough time of it the last 6 months. If you read any of my early blog posts, you will see I was filled with hope and a healthy context about this illness in my life. Fear and despair were not an obstacle I was going to entertain. After 15 months of treatments, tests, shots, hospital stays, unexpected detours, overwhelming financial pressures… I must admit I am worn out and tired. I’ve had many rough days filled with pain, sadness and hopelessness. I am wounded.

Yes I am in remission and I am so grateful and proud that my body and mindset were so strong when I got the disease. It saved my life and I am more than ever committed to treat and respect this body and mind of mine with all that nature and life has to offer. We live in a great spiritual time where the world is now more open than ever to the power of thought and faith and how it can influence healing. Although I will continue my chemotherapy maintenance protocol, which lasts 3 years, my days are filled with educating myself on how to build my immune system up through the power of food and the right supplements and how a positive belief and support system can facilitate incredible positive changes and help you push through the tougher times. I will continue to use alternative modalities to strengthen myself so that my cancer doesn’t return.

I know there were no guarantees.

Chemo is poison, I know that, but it killed off my cancer and as I have now survived a pulmonary embolism (lung blood clot) a 12 inch malignant mass in my chest and there is now not a trace of it in my body anymore and anywhere. The leukemia is gone from my cells. Having been given a good prognosis, I am so thankful for that. Very. But despite my success there, it has left me more vulnerable and weak. I thought that getting and treating cancer would put me on a journey that would teach me priceless life lessons and bring me to epiphany that I have been waiting for my whole life; that would stay with me and shape me to be a better man, full of purpose and perspective. It seems that my story is still developing and that my timeline for my health and prosperity is different from God’s plan or whatever it is I believe in now that is bigger than me.

About 6 months ago, when I was about to go into maintenance for my treatments a full 10 months after going into remission, I developed an esophageal issue that has ruled and still rules my life. I felt intense pressure in my throat; a feeling of a gas bubble, air or food that was stuck and I couldn’t dislodge. It made it extremely uncomfortable to swallow anything and at a certain point it became impossible to even touch water to my tongue without the maddening sensation taking over. Acid reflux started to build up in my stomach and push into my esophagus which led to several intense episodes and emergency room visits that did not do much to stop the pain. This went on for months and I couldn’t eat or hold food down. In almost constant pain, discomfort and debilitating weakness from not being able to eat or drink for days at a time, I had to get a feeding tube.

Things have gotten a lot better. I have pushed and now I can eat and yesterday the feeding tube was removed. Most days I woke up, and still do, very nauseous as I feel the pressure of the bubble at my throat. Although things have gotten better, it’s still horrible. Waterboarding would be an upgrade.

My faith has wavered and my resolve has taken a hit, yet my desire to live a fulfilling life free of pain is stronger than ever. Ultimately it is my faith and belief that wills me through these days, and i have made great progress and have gotten healthier. I have been working with Jake and I am fortunate to have been able to spend so much quality time with him, to see him grow all the while helping me to rebuild a business I once flourished in. Despite numerous obstacles, I am working on my dreams so I could do the things I have always loved like traveling, exploring, meeting new people around the world and connecting with who I am, and most importantly so I can provide  financial security or my family. I have always lived for them and I am humbled by my circumstances.

My lessons of courage and faith have me working hard. I am both weaker and stronger than ever.

I am surrounded with deep love from my very good friends and most profoundly my wife and beautiful loving children, my generous and loving in laws, my committed sister and my quietly loving supportive mother, and even my ninety one year old father who calls me every day to see how I am doing.

I love life and I miss my old life. I just miss it being easy. Oh wait… it was never that easy, but it was fun and rewarding. I had my health though and you know what they say: if you have your health…

Is there a message here? I would say so… I am human. I forgive myself and I forgive everyone else that has ever hurt me. I am more free in that regard.

I am not sick, really. I have a condition that is very uncomfortable and has changed my life, but that too will get handled. I removed my feeding tube as I don’t need it anymore, just please hurry up with the pain part, I pray. Please hurry.

I know now I am a loving person. And a loved one. I know now I am loved. I do. I know I am full of love myself, now more than ever. I know it when I hug my kids, Jake and Michael or see my wife Randy and her unyielding commitment to take care of me. I know that I am afraid but I also know now that fear is worse than anything. It kills hope. It really kills everything. So I try not to dwell on it.

Love and faith will cure me. It will guide me. I just need some help this time. I need to find my way back so that I can find my way forward again, so that I am unrecognizable to myself. And I mean that in a good way. What can I tap into that is already inside of me and how do I access the greatness in me.

To my friends and family. This is the hardest blog I have ever written because I can’t seem to access the exact words to convey my deepest experiences, yet I am writing this in a cathartic way to let go and to admit to you that I need you guys. I am raw and open and it helps me not to be alone. It really does.

I feel too in my heart that there will be a time that I will look back at this period and understand it all. It just can’t come too soon.

P.S. I am throwing this out to the world that if anyone reading this knows off a GI doctor that specializes with esophageal issues, motility disorders, nerve damage, GERD and general acid reflux diseases I am open to hearing about them. I am also open to any alternative treatments and programs that will nutritionally, spiritually and holistically treat me. Email me at or call (516) 262-3597. Thank you.






  • Reply Annie |

    Hey Nathanl! I bow down to you for having to climb this unbelievable mountain…and no less dealing with so many feelings about it. You are such an eloquent writer….so real…so relatable. Considering what you have been through, you look so good and very handsome!

    I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you lately but I have been going through an exhausting and debilitating health challenge too. It’s been over a year trying to find out what’s wrong w me. Its been very hard to breath, waking up at night coughing with mucus, fatigue, swallowing difficulty and choking. God only knows how I’ve had the energy to help my clients with EFT?!

    I use Dr. Steller too out here in Merrick. He came up with silent refux and basically inflamed esophagus probably from coughing non stop for over a year! I also highly recommend Dr. Warren Zelman who is an ENT Dr. He’s totally dedicated to help me get well and will be for you too! He’s sending me to a swallowing clinic. It’s been a nightmare for me and I totally understand what you are going through.
    I’ll text and call you today if you’re around. I have a lot to share with you re: supplements and eating.
    Much love

  • Reply Mike Alexander |

    Hi Nathan
    I highly recommend Dr. Richard Steller. I have been using him for years and have turned Annie on to him as well. He has been very helpful in finding a path for wellness with her current condition.
    Stay the course and stay strong… truly are a hero!

  • Reply Jamie Camche |

    You are a hero. Your authenticity and generosity is inspiring to not only your children but all of your friends and family. Thank you for sharing not only your recovery but all that it entailed to get there. With so much love and respect,
    Jamie ? Glenn.

  • Reply Howard |

    Nathan, it was tough, but extremely inspiring, to read this blog. Your attitude and outlook bring a smile to my face (Also, I am amazed at how well you are able to articulate your thoughts. I only wish I had the ability to write half as well as you do). I had heard you were going through a very rough time from the aftereffects of chemo, but I am very happy to hear that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I pray for you that the train speeds up to get to that light. Keep inspiring!

  • Reply Daph |

    You continue to amaze me, my cousin. You certainly are loved by many and are very lucky. I am also lucky to have you and your family in my life. Keep on inspiring us…..Love you.

  • Reply Zev |

    Hey Nathan:
    Thanks again for reminding me what’s important. Your posts are humbling. Your strength and faith (more than you think you have) are inspiring. Hope to see soon.

  • Reply Paul Jason |

    PS, Dr. Richard Stellar is a great GI Doctor, current friend and former associate of my older brother Michael. He practices in great neck, and I know he could probably help you. Please let them know you are a friend if you call to see him. He is listed in Great Neck

  • Reply Paul Jason |

    Nathan, you have been an inspiration to all of us, your friends, your family, your associates, and mostly you have provided a detailed path that someday all of us will have to deal with in some form or other, unless we are lucky enough to live pain free, and to (hopefully when the time comes) die unknowingly in our sleep. We in our family, treasure knowing you and your family, your sibling and sibling-in-laws, your in-laws, your parents, all of your friends and having been the given the gift of sharing so many simchas and holidays together. To see you Sunday at the Super Bowl party again at your home was a special treat, as it usually is, but this year was the best so far, especially in light of your miraculous fight and determination to come back as you the man, the individual with the will power to slay whatever has come your way. It was great to meet Jake’s girlfriend, see Michael and as always, Randy ever-present at your side, with her wonderful outlook and warm and caring personality. You are a blessed man my brother and these daily things that still annoy you, they to shall pass and fade into your background story of hope, inspiration and success in life. I wish you peace and tranquility and please know how beautiful a man you are, and how wonderful an experience you have given to all of us who love you, in that you have given us a glance into our own futures and how to handle all of it with grace and dignity and force of will to beat all obstacles. Be well and know we are all inspired by you. Have a great forward looking outcome always and for as long as you are blessed with your wonderful mind and beautiful spirit of life, that you are one lucky dude in all that you have. LOve you our brother. Janis, Paul, David and Mark.

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