“So Dr. Douer, I have had a very hard couple of weeks– both emotionally and physically.”

For some reason I have been feeling fearful and going to dark places. I don’t like what I’m letting my mind do to me. My resolve has taken a hit. I feel it in my body and my thoughts, a persistent anxiety that makes it almost impossible to feel peaceful.

“I wasn’t experiencing this the first few months,” I continued. “I felt unusually positive despite the shock of the cancer prognosis and the treatments I was undergoing. Should I take anything?”

“You have hit the wall,” Dr Douer told me with a calming certainty. “Every one of my patients experiences this at this point. You have been beat up. We have taken control away from you and for the past 6 weeks you have been getting the chemo treatments 4 days a week. Your white blood counts are low and you are anemic… You are normal; everything is normal. You are doing great and we are on schedule. What you are feeling is to be expected. It will only get easier from here.”

Those words were powerful for me. The power of suggestion was never so clear. I was looking for compassion but what I got was empathy, confidence and compassion all rolled into one and immediately my body and mind relaxed and I got the peace I was searching for.

Since that meeting, I have been experiencing some peace but I am also dealing with my mind and body and the effects of the treatments. It has taken a lot of discipline to stay in the present but I have my support network, meditation, visualization, reiki,  and my friends and family. I will always embrace both Western and Eastern philosophies as I believe they both have a place in my healing. I still have too many moments, and I can tell you …they suck.

Surrounding myself with positive, supportive people and the power of my doctor, any doctor, and their bedside manner and respect can not be understated. Now that I am experiencing it firsthand, I would never settle for anything less from any doctor as I truly believe it could alter the outcome. Dr Douer has been straight and thorough– always resolute, confident and it has helped me immensely.

I also know that the mind and body are very connected. I can never tell if my anxiety at any given moment is caused by my physical state and all the toxic drugs or by the fear. Ultimately, I know its both. They cannot be separated.

One day at a time, one hour, one moment, this moment. That’s when I do best. I always know that when I don’t project and try to control the future I do better. When I believe and trust and let go, that is when I am most at peace.

And as I deal with this every day, I do know that this is the only way to go.

I have enjoyed writing these blogs. They are healing for me and love sharing my heart. It was uncomfortable at first, exposing myself, but then I said what the fuck. If I can share my story and make a difference, I am healing myself.

“So Dr. Douer, will I ever be my old self again?”

“Yes. It’s going to be grueling at times and its a long process, but we want to cure this cancer and make sure it never returns. I know we are taking your life from you in a way, but we will give it back to and the way you want it.”

As they say, From your mouth to God’s ears.