My anxieties have always been here…

pre-cancer and post-cancer, though now my reasons for feeling anxious seem more justified (treatment side effects, worries about relapse, financial issues.) But really, it’s a lie to think it’s only because of the cancer.

So insight  #1 – Until I deal with my core issues of anxiety, I will always suffer from it.

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Daytime TV sucks – especially in the hospital.

They still make these soaps? Who needs traffic reports at 2PM? Everything is a reality show or surviving in the amazon. News about fires and accidents, food shows and weather, weather, weather. Okay, Dr. Oz I enjoy, but the golf channel is showing the classics. I’ll pass.

So insight  #2 – Get drugged up enough so that I actually enjoy these shows, or watch netflix on my laptop. Perhaps a good fiction book will do.

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There is nothing better than not being nauseous.

The absence of nausea, when it finally dissipates… Ahhh nothing makes me more content in that moment. We all know through drinking or viruses or food poisoning or chemo… that tight, twisting in your stomach is just the worst. Who wouldn’t pay a king’s ransom to get that instant relief. 

So insight  #3 – Know that the pain will end. Find drugs and natural remedies in advance. And use them.

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Private hospital rooms are exponentially better than shared rooms.

I had my own private room last weekend. They charge $500 to $2100 a night premium for a private room, but I feigned a cold to get one on the house. Need to protect those other patients… (hope the hospital doesn’t read this because I’m going to try it again this weekend.) 

So insight #4 – Sharing a room sucks. Make enough money to get that private room, splurge, or find a loophole.

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If you eat even moderate amounts, but you are sedentary, you will gain weight.

Many patients lose weight. Not me. I have been eating, sans a few nauseous days, (fairly) well. From exercising daily to taking barely a long walk at this point, my body knows it. My metabolism is in reverse and I have gained 10 pounds. 

So insight #5 – Eat better. Exercise when you’re feeling good, but mostly just accept it for now. I look healthier, I have been told, but it’s a new experience for me.

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Really? I have cancer?

I’ll never totally comprehend it. There will always be that incredulous feeling, “Really, did this really happen to me and to us?”

So insight #6 – No lesson here for me. I guess it’s just a hard thing to ever totally wrap my head around.

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Sloan kettering has the cheapest public parking in the city.

… Seriously, it’s like 18 dollars for 12 hours and that’s the upper east side.

So insight #7 – Hospital parking… Hope you never have to use it (though its open to the public.)

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Sometimes I think I like going to the hospital.

I feel like I am making progress. I feel taken care of and productive. I don’t like the needles and the chemo, but I like the love and attention.

So insight #8 – Familiarity can bring comfort even though, of course, I can’t wait till I’m done going there.)

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Time moves slow and fast for me.

It has been 5 months since my diagnosis. Seems like a lifetime, but also just like yesterday.

So insight #9 – This is too deep a subject to handle here, but you know what I mean

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No one will know how it feels to have cancer unless they have had it.

It’s not good or bad, it’s just nothing I had ever experienced before, the unknown, the vulnerability even in remission; the array of feelings both physical and mental. It can be lonely and scary, but it can also be eye opening and insightful. It’s always very personal 

So insight #10 – Of course, what else would I expect. I was the same way with others. There is no judgement here. Nevertheless, I can never discount the tremendous love and support I have received from many and how it has helped me in my recovery.