I said in my letter I was going to learn things along the way that would eventually heal me. It was a hard day. I heard the doctor read off a litany of side effects I would likely be experiencing and another weird dynamic is that the more I accept my situation, the more I know it is real. There is no turning back to my old life. I won’t ever be the “Where are we going for dinner Saturday night?” And even if I do say that, it will be a me I don’t even know yet. That’s the hardest part about today. My physical being, the person I knew… the relentless sports, tennis , running, basketball and time at the gym won’t be a part of my everyday life. And there will always be that vulnerability, especially now about my ultimate healing and dare I say… the fear if I don’t… My journey now is to strengthen my belief systems. Beliefs aren’t wrong or right. They are mine. I must always know that at my core. Yes I have science behind me, a bunch of great doctors, but it is me who will heal me.
My first lessons of love and change of how I see myself is that hey, people don’t care where I live or whether I can do a reverse layup (which I can’t, but always wanted to) or whether I can shoot a 75 ( actually don’t care about that one.) I do though love the beauty of a golf course.
What I learned is people who love me or respect me for me, it is for the core person that I am: a vulnerable a person who feels deeply and loves deeply, is passionate whether he’s watching a Jets game, going for a rebound, building a business, seeing a new country, sitting to dinner with my family or arguing a point a view. A person that makes a difference. That’s my lesson for today. I may actually learn to love myself. Let those cells know that so that they change their DNA because they served their purpose. I need to serve mine now. That’s what I’m fighting for and that’s the sadness I feel. I don’t want the pain that goes with the healing.