There are things that I’ve experienced since I have been here that never would have happened. I have reestablished old friendships. I’ve developed new levels of intimacy with my old friends, friends that I have had for years, with new levels of closeness and vulnerability. I have experienced extreme gestures of generosity by friends that have blown me away and pure acts of friendship that are genuine and pure. I have seen my wife go beyond her comfort zone, to make sure I am comfortable and taken care of, and I have seen my children show real resilience and vulnerability as they deal with my cancer. I have seen my mother and sister stand for my health and show great acts of courage and faith.
I have been touched and felt true gratitude for my friends, and even acquaintances, and I have been blessed to have the best care in the world.
I wrote 2 weeks ago that I was looking for some transcending occurrence that perhaps would give me the “ultimate peace.” That hasn’t happened, it’s still me that I’m dealing with, but I do notice more moments of stillness and comfort in my skin.
Still, I must admit, I am not complete with my father and that, as you may know, has been the one area I was really looking for, for myself, my forgiveness. I’m not ready for it. So yeah, I have work to do in that area. It’s a tough one.
How will I build or rebuild my financial career as I rebuild my body and my health? How will I trust that I will somehow be guided towards my next big thing? Or my next anything?
Can I allow myself the time let it be right; to let it flow without panicking at the thought that it will never happen? Can I, in this situation, still find the room in my heart to be present to the love of my family and enjoy the hospital room as if I was in Whistler? (Tough task for sure, not happening.)
I have for sure, as I said, developed richer relationships in just 2 short weeks. Mostly today I have shpulkies. I’m impatient. I want to figure it all out today. Though, that doesn’t serve me and I know that I’m thankful I’m feeling good enough today to have that angst.