Nathan's Blog

My Journey

Morning thoughts from room 1424

Even when I have a whole day of nothing to do (except for the intermittent poking and prodding,) I like to wake up and start the day early. I love the morning when I am most peaceful, especially when I have no discomfort, which is the case this very morning. It is at these times that I have the most clarity. I am just more peaceful.

My mother has shown more resilience and than I thought she would be capable, but then again I’ve seen my mom battle a lot and make a great life for herself. I love you so much Mom and we are going to celebrate a lot together.

Jake is tough, practical, and level headed. He’s a good soul.

Michael is super sensitive, very loving, and learning how to process this all, just like he should be doing.

Randy, is still as close to an angel as humanly possible. Pure love. We are partners forever.

Forgiving is hard. I think it’s an ongoing practice. In fact, I’m sure of it.

My sister has been over-the-top amazingly supportive. She’s really creating a life she loves.

My friends have shown themselves to be greater people than I gave them credit for and I am grateful to have them.

Family is… well, what can I say? It makes the difference.

My hair is starting to fall out. Oy, I wonder how I’ll adapt to it. I’m so vain.

I feel good. Doctors say I am doing great, but my energy is low so I know I am sick. I need to remind myself, I need to figure out what “take care of yourself ” means.

I still have a large appetite. Steroids change things in your body but they are very effective. I’m enjoying my food.

I always want to be creating. It’s just in me. It is me.

I miss competing, even if it’s only been a few weeks.

I never thought myself the optimist, just a survivor. I think I was wrong. I believe in people and in myself.

I do believe in the power of the mind to change things and don’t take things as face value and probably never have.

I love to travel and explore. I can’t wait till my next trip. I’m already plotting.

I still say, “What the fuck, really?” This wasn’t in my plans. Wasn’t even a thought.


  • Reply Adam cohen |

    Stay strong and keep positive!
    You have a great attitide and strength!!!!
    We are thinking of you.

  • Reply Zev Pasternak |

    Hey Nathan;
    Don’t worry about the hair. I’ve been living without it for years. Been told it’s sexy. May I suggest some tats to complement the look?

  • Reply Joshua Varghese |

    Mr. Schwarzbaum,

    I am not sure if you remember me, but my name is Joshua Varghese. Back in elementary and middle school, Jake and I were good friends. Unfortunately, due to my family’s move, we had trouble keeping in touch. However, I do hope that changes soon.

    I stumbled upon your blog a few hours ago and could not have been any more torn about the news. Even though I know everything is going to be fine, I still wanted to post a little note.

    You coached our flag football team to a championship and even though my football IQ was not the best way back then, I will never forget that team and memories you were a part of. Also, though long overdue, I wanted to formally thank you and Mrs. Schwarzbaum for always being very welcoming and kind whenever I came over and or slept over. You have a wonderful family and I am very happy I was able to share some of my childhood memories with and at the Schwarzbaum household.

    Like you said before, Jake is a good soul, so I know he will continue to be a strong part of a great support system you have.

    A lot of life is mental, so we all will stay positive and continue to have you and your family in our thoughts. Stay strong and take care Coach.

    Joshua Varghese

  • Reply Barbara Spivack |

    Hi Nathan,
    I’m thinking about you each and everyday. I know that this is a difficult time for you, but you should know that you inspire me and those that are reading your blog. I’m praying for you in many ways. I’m praying for healing, peace , comfort and encouragement. You are strong, loved by your family and friends and doing a great job. I’m wishing for you that you’ll be as well as you can possibly be. ~Barbara

  • Reply Lesley Bernstein |

    So great seeing you today Nathan…you are a true inspiration! You look amazing!
    Keep up your positive attitude and outlook on life! Xoxo

  • Reply heidi Krugman |

    Nathan, What a wonder to hear and read your thoughts. I am inspired by your journal and what you want to share with us everyday. Wishing you continued positive thoughts and energy. May your hair leave you slower and know that no matter what, you will still be a handsome Nathan, you just won’t be making men everywhere jealous of your beautiful locks! Stay strong and know we are thinking of you and wishing you our best!

  • Reply Renee Wurman |

    Hi Nathan,
    Just thinking about you. Just want to say, I think you are amazing.Your spirit and the way you express yourself is so inspiring. I think there might be a book in you.

  • Reply Linda |

    Nathan, so proud to call you my friend – you have and always will inspire me ! You are doing and feeling exactly what you should be – as we always remind each other , all we have is THIS moment. Love Linda

  • Reply Ann Corn |

    Nathan, my thoughts and prayers are with you!! I know you are strong and will defeat this!!!!! Wishing you the best xo

  • Reply Cindy |

    Nate, you are definitely finding the clarity you seek, both in your thoughts and in your writing! This very thoughtful post has truly touched my heart. As always, sending positive thoughts and prayers, and lots of love your way. We will see you and Randy tomorrow. xoxo

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