I woke up around 3 AM. It was as quiet as a hospital room could get. I had my own room for the night and it was dark and still. Even the outside corridors seemed silent, though I am sure that I was just projecting my own feeling of calmness.
A brand new T-shirt that Randy had bought me, soft, comfortable material, was soaked to its core with sweat. The warm, wet fibers clung to my skin but it was not in discomfort. For that moment, with my mind still cast over with the dim haze of sleep, everything was right. Everything was in rhythm. My body, the IV drip, the steady beat of my breathing. This dark, empty hospital room was a world of its own.
It was when the vagueness of sleep started to leave that I realized… I sweat out my cancer. I was liberated. I grabbed my shirt and pulled until it was torn to shreds. The sweat on the floor, my breath was now fuller and my mind was enveloped with endorphins.
I had earlier that night had some dreams about my father, about some separation of our souls. There were also dreams about my future and its trajectory. It’s hard to describe but I felt free… I felt free of almost everything. I know this is just the middle of my story and I have chemo and other shit going on this week, but for those moments some of the cancer left me… and I could have run 30 laps around the hospital floor before they forced me back into bed.
I lay down feeling serene and full of possibility. Then I started thinking; my mind very busy, busier than I would have liked, trying to resolve unsettled thoughts and feelings. But I cherished that quiet time I had and I hope to be able to have many more moments like this.