Nathan's Blog

My Journey

3 AM silence

I woke up around 3 AM. It was as quiet as a hospital room could get. I had my own room for the night and it was dark and still. Even the outside corridors seemed silent, though I am sure that I was just projecting my own feeling of calmness.

A brand new T-shirt that Randy had bought me, soft, comfortable material, was soaked to its core with sweat. The warm, wet fibers clung to my skin but it was not in discomfort. For that moment, with my mind still cast over with the dim haze of sleep, everything was right. Everything was in rhythm. My body, the IV drip, the steady beat of my breathing. This dark, empty hospital room was a world of its own.

It was when the vagueness of sleep started to leave that I realized… I sweat out my cancer. I was liberated. I grabbed my shirt and pulled until it was torn to shreds. The sweat on the floor, my breath was now fuller and my mind was enveloped with endorphins.

I had earlier that night had some dreams about my father, about some separation of our souls. There were also dreams about my future and its trajectory. It’s hard to describe but I felt free… I felt free of almost everything. I know this is just the middle of my story and I have chemo and other shit going on this week, but for those moments some of the cancer left me… and I could have run 30 laps around the hospital floor before they forced me back into bed.

I lay down feeling serene and full of possibility. Then I started thinking; my mind very busy, busier than I would have liked, trying to resolve unsettled thoughts and feelings. But I cherished that quiet time I had and I hope to be able to have many more moments like this.


  • Reply beth weissenberger |

    I love you nathan S….i love reading your journey….and i stay believing that you will have this be one of the most profound (while the toughest) stories of your life that you won at…..all my love and heart, Beth

  • Reply Nathan |

    dont hate it i dont I am incredulous and pissed feel like its some bad dream …but so far i couldnt ask for better progress. Ive learned alot about myself in such a short term.. I didnt pick this ( i dont think) and in some ways we control everything and in some ways we control nothing
    Whats driving me is doing the things i love …traveling family , building creating and ironically overcoming obstacles and winning

  • Reply Heidi Krugman |

    I hate that u r going though this and wish u only good healrh in the new year. But I have to say your writing is unbelievable. I felt like I was reading a passage in a book. Keep on blogging, as much as it helps you its key to our understanding of what u r going through. All our love

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