I’m writing this blog today at the behest of my father-in-law Natie Grama. He says he misses my posts, so this one is for him. I intentionally haven’t written a post in a while because I felt I didn’t have anything new to say. I realize that this wasn’t actually true. The treatments hit me harder these past few weeks and through all that I was waiting for some inspiration to hit me. That is not how you create good writing.
I don’t want this to be just a post on my progress, so to get it out of the way…
The treatments are tough but I am doing very well, dealing with the rigors of the chemo treatments can be brutal, but then there are also days when I feel really good. My prognosis is excellent and that always is something that eases the process for me.
What I am told is that by May, the protocol will slow down tremendously and I may have some semblance of a normal life. I am in remission and plan to stay that way and be cured from this cancer completely.
I still feel very lucky that my disease responded so well to treatment. It breaks my heart when I see people, every day, men and women who were healthy, people like you and me, who get plucked from their daily lives and dropped into a new life, this life of cancer, survival and humility. There is nothing more humbling and it is the great equalizer. It kills off their vitality and, even as a cancer patient myself, it is heartbreaking to see people so raw and vulnerable.
So again, I haven’t written because I didn’t see the seismic shift of being that I was looking to write about. I am still worrying, still have doubts, still get moody (not as much anymore,) scared, all of that.
Hey, I’m still me…
BUT the insight, or dare I say epiphany, I had was that while I was looking to change and have breakthroughs , I thought I knew what that change would look like. I am learning and growing every day, but it doesn’t look and feel the way I want it to look. Only looking back will I be able to see my transformation. You know the saying, Life happens while you’re making other plans. I am growing and I am evolving. I am creating new and great possibilities and I have learned many lessons.
And what I realize is that this is ongoing and that I’m braver than I thought I was,
I’m less kvetchy than I thought I would be,
I have less anxiety than I would have thought,
I’m more resilient than I would have thought,
I have created relationships that I never had, family and friends alike,
and it goes on and on and it’s just the beginning.
My “aha!” moment may never come. It’s the manifestation of those gradual changes that will appear in the ordinary moments. It may never be some dramatic realization, or maybe it will, but it will never look or feel the way I expect it to.
I still feel discontented, like there is something wrong, too much of the time, but expecting that someday it will look like “this” or “that” is a delusion.
I know for sure that I am not the same man I was in November. Of course, in almost every fundamental sense, I am me, but it is impossible remain unchanged after dealing with mortality and all the uncertainties I’ve encountered. I’m still me as I want success and wealth and fun and love and I still want it all. It’s just the way I want it, and of course, I’m still me, so I still expect it.