I wish I could go back in time 3 or 4 weeks. I didn’t ask for this. Not for cancer.

Well on the other hand I have been asking for years, almost my whole life since I was a child, for a sense of peace and belongingness.

What is this fear that holds me back? Why haven’t I fulfilled on my reward points project where I truly feel I can change peoples lives or why did I not yet find a way to transfer my knowledge and experience to other companies and help them grow the way I know I can? Why has it been such a struggle when it used to be easier? What is it that stops me from being my true greatness?

I didn’t ask for this disease, but I knew something had to change in my life. I didn’t want this. Who would ever? But I know there is something for me to transform into.

When will I feel free… real freedom like the moments I have experienced in my life? I have been through businesses transactions, a flag football championship, skiing a glacier, biking a treacherous hill, difficult conversations, creating intimacy, connecting with a stranger, seeing an old relative, feeling deep love with a child or my wife or a friend, overcoming a fearful moment and conquering it.

I didn’t ask for this, and if I think past tomorrow’s treatment, I can become paralyzed with fear. So far I have not allowed that.

I am thinking about making the best use of this time whether it be just doing nothing and resting or getting closer to God or just planning my business expansion. As long as it feels right and from a place of knowing, it will be good.

I loved it. I had a single- no roommate for 2 days, it was really a lucky situation…  A new patient comes shuffling in.

Who knows what he has? Some terminal cancer? Or here for a 2 day stopover? Didn’t matter, my personal space has been invaded. Didn’t seem to matter that I just got my second hardcore chemo treatment or that I may start getting really nauseous.

There are parts of me that I’ll never get rid of. I can be a little bit grouchy, somewhat finicky, I need my privacy and as much as I love, love, love people… they also annoy the shit out of me. The good news is that next to me lies a magical button. It’s “The Line.” Press it and the drugs appear before my eyes. Love, assurances, and drugs and I get what I need to calm me down. So far, no Johnny Walker Blue available.

I’ve had a continuous flow of guests, again always uplifting, though sometimes I need some quiet.

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The fear still pops up. What if this protocol doesn’t work? I’m nervous about money. Even though I was told I should allow myself this opportunity to slow my mind down, so far I can’t seem to do it. But my 1 minute rule still applies. I haven’t allowed myself to wallow in anything for too long. I still wallow more about the noises my roommate is making (a curtain separates us) and maybe that’s a good thing… I’m still me.

At least this guy doesn’t smoke in the bathroom.

Note to self:

I will not engage in any negative thoughts for more than 1 minute. That is my allowance. When I see myself going down the wrong thought pattern, I will quickly think about all the positive comments from doctors and friends that I have been getting, the great prognosis, and the power I have to influence my health. I am not God, I know that, but there is God in all of us and I choose to believe I can use the greatness of men who have invented these cures with the help of some divine guidance. Believe in God or not, it doesn’t matter.

I do believe there is more than meets the eye; I will visualize the cancer cells melting away, my planned ski trip, my body healing, and my healthy cells coming back. There is no truth except the truth of the moment and I will choose as best as I can to think of good and happy thoughts. Because there is no other truth than what I am thinking in that moment. Any fear is fear of the unknown… which I can’t control anyway.

Thanks again for all the loving messages and wishes. I can’t believe it took me so long in my life to feel so genuinely loved and to know that I make a difference.

Again, I said my ultimate goal was to truly love myself. I’m getting there.

(Tomorrow, after delays, I finally start my chemo.)

We want to shield them from pain no matter what their age. I want them not to hurt or worry about me. I want them to feel that I am the rock that I am supposed to be. But I can’t do much more than show them love- love that I have always showed them as well as the strength I am feeling… along with the vulnerability and fear I have going on with my faith.

What is somewhat freeing to me is that they are going to do what they are going to do. They will process this through their own filters. They are unique souls and actually have been since they came into this world.

It doesn’t make my pain any less.

We never want our kids to hurt but I really have little control over their reactions and how they sit alone with their own thoughts and process the situation. They will be okay… that I know… The pain is really my pain. I know that I have instilled enough of a home, a physical and spiritual home that they can always return to and, ultimately, that will be enough.

We all love our kids so much and, me being sick, I feel no different except that now they know I am not superman. But I’m still their dad and, by the way, my undying faith is that this will all turn out happy.

Oh, how we love our kids.

Well… there is no redzone channel here so I will be stuck watching my fated Jets. I don’t know if I want them to win or lose for the draft pick, but ultimately I think my mindset is that I always want to win no matter what because there is always the hope- the dream, the belief that on any given play, something magical will be discovered. And that’s why you root for a team even though they keep losing.

Winning is so much better and satisfying after a tough struggle and every game is a new day, a new beginning, a new opportunity to make that game or day a special one.

So I’ll be rooting for them. Win or lose, they are my Jets. I’m not sure I would choose any other team to love. Screw the Pats or the Broncos. I didn’t choose them.

Nothing much changed since yesterday. Waiting for the chemo… can’t sleep in this environment. People are loving and amazing and the protocol is a bear to manage.

Another day, another game, another fight. Wait, it doesn’t have to be a “my fight,” the doctors and meds will fight that battle. I’ll be still dancing in the knowing that I’m going to win.

I said in my letter I was going to learn things along the way that would eventually heal me. It was a hard day. I heard the doctor read off a litany of side effects I would likely be experiencing and another weird dynamic is that the more I accept my situation, the more I know it is real. There is no turning back to my old life. I won’t ever be the “Where are we going for dinner Saturday night?” And even if I do say that, it will be a me I don’t even know yet. That’s the hardest part about today. My physical being, the person I knew… the relentless sports, tennis , running, basketball and time at the gym won’t be a part of my everyday life. And there will always be that vulnerability, especially now about my ultimate healing and dare I say… the fear if I don’t… My journey now is to strengthen my belief systems. Beliefs aren’t wrong or right. They are mine. I must always know that at my core. Yes I have science behind me, a bunch of great doctors, but it is me who will heal me.

My first lessons of love and change of how I see myself is that hey, people don’t care where I live or whether I can do a reverse layup (which I can’t, but always wanted to) or whether I can shoot a 75 ( actually don’t care about that one.) I do though love the beauty of a golf course.

What I learned is people who love me or respect me for me, it is for the core person that I am: a vulnerable a person who feels deeply and loves deeply, is passionate whether he’s watching a Jets game, going for a rebound, building a business, seeing a new country, sitting to dinner with my family or arguing a point a view. A person that makes a difference. That’s my lesson for today. I may actually learn to love myself. Let those cells know that so that they change their DNA because they served their purpose. I need to serve mine now. That’s what I’m fighting for and that’s the sadness I feel. I don’t want the pain that goes with the healing.